Crossed Wires: The Subconscious Fears of Avoidant and Anxious Attachment
Withdrawing or Withholding?
Avoidance. Withdrawal. It’s a classic choice to a classic problem: if you’re not getting the love you want, you can protest or you can give up and settle for what you have.
Withdrawing is a power move as well. It says, “If you don’t love me in the way I need, I won’t love you.” It expects others to chase you down, pursue you, and give you what you want. But it doesn’t risk feeling the full depth of your need. You don’t ask someone directly for what you want, and you thereby avoid rejection.
There are costs to this approach. It takes enormous energy to ignore one’s feelings and needs. And expecting to be pursued only works with people who have poor boundaries. Manipulation doesn’t work when people you are in relationship with have the awareness and self-worth to call you on it.
When I avoided deep commitment in relationship I actually wanted my partner to say, “Look, I want intimacy. I want my needs to matter to you. I don’t want to be an obligation. But I do want to be met. And if I’m not, I will find someone who will meet me.” Saying this is not a threat as much as truth. This puts the ball back in the avoidant person’s court to decide: what kind of relationships do I want? Chronically dissatisfying ones full of drama? Or vulnerable ones that require me to feel chronic aloneness and distrust, but potentially offer a new paradigm of peace and honesty?
Avoidance is one of the biggest problems in relationships, paired with preoccupation, according to the research on attachment theory. The way through is to move towards the subconscious fear. Consciously, avoidant people fear intimacy. They know from a lifetime of experience how they can be overwhelmed, manipulated, and drained in relationships. What they aren’t so in touch with is their fear of needing someone and being left. They are defended against the vulnerability and risk of being abandoned. On the surface, they believe they know and accept this risk, but it is superficial and not hard-won.
The anxious person, on the other hand, needs to lean into their fear of intimacy. Ask, “What do you enjoy about relationships that aren’t intimate? If some part of you is choosing this person or type of person, what could you possibly be getting out of it? Beyond being left, what else are you scared of?”
Avoidance is often, but of course not always, gendered. Boys and men are more likely to be “strong” and avoid weak feminine feelings. This does great violence to the hearts of men. It created in me a sense that I should be more grown-up even when I was a young boy. Comments from my dad suggested that I was too old to enjoy cuddling stuffed animals. He would also stonewall me when I was angry and had a righteous complaint. What was I to do with my anger in the face of a father who would not look at me? It’s a very frustrating place to be.
To some extent, I replicated what was done to me as a child in my later relationships. Now aware of the formerly unconscious choice, I can choose anew. I choose to listen to the essence of anger and see the longing for connection and safety that I want as the basis of all my relationships. In return, I receive from others the space to express my own fears and needs, hear that they are important, and see how their actions change to accommodate me.
I’ve learned in relationships to value actions more than words. Stated intentions always matter if I have any trust left in the relationship. But if the person’s actions aren’t in alignment with their stated intentions, then I choose to invest less time and energy in the relationship. I withdraw.
And so now we come full circle, to the essence of withdrawal. We are sovereign beings who have a sacred yes and sacred no. We get to decide who to spend our time with. Leaving a relationship is not necessarily avoidant; it can be the healthiest decision you’ve ever made. So it’s not so simple as: Avoidance is bad and intimacy is good.
We must trust our deeper wisdom to know if a relationship is serving our highest good, if we are growing in love and peace. Even very “toxic” relationships can be worth it, for the lessons we are learning. Even very “perfect” relationships can be stifling and suffocating. Judge not by surface appearances, but ask your heart to guide you. Your heart is connected to the wisdom of your soul and to your spirit friends. In the silence of dark nights, it offers intimacy, unconditional support, and wisdom that we’ve spent our days chasing.
I pray that we remember our love of ourselves, of each other, and our inherent connection as humans that cannot be withdrawn. May we rise together, as this song so powerfully suggests:
Alex has spent his life learning about how to find freedom from suffering by cultivating presence and kindness. He graduated college with a degree in psychology, survived a kundalini awakening, and ordained as a Buddhist monk in Thailand. He uses Alchemical Hypnotherapy to help others awaken and embody their higher selves.
